Active Listening

I used to think my kids were ignoring me and it drove me crazy! Hello! Are you in there? Then I realized they weren’t ignoring me, they just weren’t listening to me. Yes, there is a difference! And that realization actually made me feel better. This is why.

When my kids are watching T.V. or at the computer, they’re in another world. While they may hear what I’m saying, they’re definitely not listening to me. I know this because hearing and listening are not the same. That and five minutes after I’ve said something I get “Mom, what did you ask me to do?”

Hearing is passive. We do it all the time without even thinking about it. Right now, unfortunately, I hear the carpet cleaner’s truck at my neighbor’s house. But it’s just background noise to me, just like my voice is to my kids unless I remind them to practice their active listening skills. (One day I hope they will grant me this courtesy without having to be reminded, but hey parenting is a process!)

Active listening involve your whole body. To make this concept easier for kids to understand and remember, I narrow the whole body down to the following five parts: ears, eyes, mouth, body and brain. Specifically, to be active listeners we need to:

* Use our ears to hear the words being said.

* Use our eyes to see nonverbal cues and convey respect.

* Keep our mouth closed, so we do not interrupt.

* Keep our body still so we don’t walk away while someone is talking, tap our foot or otherwise distract the speaker.

* Use our brain to focus on what is being said, think about it, and let it sink in.

So if you too feel your kids ignore you sometimes, teach them the five parts of active listening. Then the next time your kids aren’t doing what you’ve asked (unfortunately, there’s always a “next time”) stop and ask them “Are you being active listeners?” It just might help.

I’m a certified school counselor who works with students on various issues including anger management, social skills, anxiety, divorce, self-esteem, study skills, impulsivity and bullying. If you have any parenting or school issues that you would like me to address, please leave me a comment. I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have in my weekly Ask the School Counselor segment.