How to Tell Your Children that You Are Getting Divorced

Begin the conversation by telling your children how much you love them and that nothing will ever change that. When you tell them you are getting a divorce, ask your children what they think that means. Children often don’t understand the meaning of divorce. After giving your children an opportunity to share their thoughts on divorce, explain that when parents divorce they stop being married, but do not ever stop being parents. Emphasize to your children that the divorce is not their fault (children often blame themselves when their parents divorce).

When your children ask why you are getting divorced, be honest without providing details or assigning blame. This is understandably challenging, but crucial. How you explain the divorce will set the tone for the future dynamic in your family. Children suffer greatly when parents blame each other for the divorce and provide anecdotes to back it up, so when the question comes up, be respectful and brief. Also, be sure to explain that the divorce is final, so your children do not maintain false hopes that you will reconcile.

Give your children the opportunity to ask questions and share their thoughts. Be patient if they lose control or choose not to talk about it. Successful adjustment to divorce involves ongoing communication, not just this initial conversation. Encourage your children to share their feelings with you, but do not be insulted if they’d rather not. If that happens, suggest they talk to another adult they trust (like a teacher, coach, or grandparent). I also recommend that children keep a journal to unload their feelings and read relevant books to help them cope. For example, Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown is a great resource for young children, while Divorce is Not the End of the World: Zoe and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe and Evan Stern is more suited for children who are 9 to 12 years old.

After you’ve told your children about the divorce, promptly tell their teachers, school counselor, grandparents, coaches, babysitters, and other significant adults in their life so they can be on the lookout for behavior and mood changes and provide support. However, be sure to tell your children first so they do not hear about their parents’ divorce from someone else.

Check back next week for specifics on when to tell your children you’re getting divorced.

I’m a certified school counselor who works with students on various issues including anger management, social skills, anxiety, divorce, self-esteem, study skills, impulsivity and bullying. If you have any parenting or school issues that you would like me to address, please leave me a comment. I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have in my weekly Ask the School Counselor segment.