Anyone Can Become a Good Writer. Seriously. I Have Proof.

Get ready, because after I wrote this post last year, I seriously couldn’t stop laughing for two days straight.  I cried reading it again, only because these writings from my childhood were so damn painful… My eyes, they’re burning!!!

Last weekend, we had a family get together at my brother’s house. My parents had found a box of my old school papers, including yearbooks and assignments I brought home. They presented me with this box of memories, and I found proof positive that anyone can become a good writer.

Let’s first take a look at me when I was about 9 years old, to set expectations appropriately:

The dress I can handle :: sort of. You can’t see the wild hair in this reproduction, but UGH. And the workboots? Don’t ask, because I think I blocked it from my memory.

NOW, let’s take a look at some of the poems unearthed from my parents’ attic:

The Boy From Denver

There once was a boy from Denver
Who had a crush on Pam Henver
He picked up her math book
She gave him a bad look
And now he likes Dawn Tenver

Or perhaps this little ditty:

The Girl From France

There once was a girl from France
Who always wore jeans and tight pants
She looked at Dan,
And said, “Oh, Man!”
Now she is divorced with Vance

Oh, god, I’m laughing so hard I am having a hard time typing. But wait! It gets worse! And now, drrrruuummmm rrrrollllll please, for perhaps the worst poem of all time:

Pictures

Pictures make you look so weird
They made my brother have a beard

My brother is only eight years old
And all my pictures are covered with mold

When the flash is wrong, your eyes are red
They also kill pesky bugs dead

They killed my favorite spider plant
‘Cause it wasn’t a nasty witches chant

We heard the chant on T.V. last night
And boy! It was really a fright!

I kid you not. Methinks I have just peed in my pants.

So there you go. From the bowels of Wendy Piersall’s writing history, I can now firmly say this is proof positive that if you think you write poorly, you are sorely mistaken after reading my early writings. Anything is better than this stuff!