And Derek, I hear you. Communication is key.

From him I would like to see a bit more organization.
A bit more recognition of MY input….

But otherwise he does great. He saves our money….he works hard for our security AND makes sure he is around for his family.

We are pretty lucky

Something that I think is very important is having open communication. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your spouse/partner if there is anything more they need from you.

When my wife and I talked about everything, I came away with a few things that I needed to do differently. Something she really needs and wants is a “date night” where we get out without the kids. In addition, I am trying to spend less time on the computer blogging until after the kids and my wife are asleep for the night. I was getting into a habit of waiting until after the kids went to sleep but that resulted in my wife and I being isolated from each other when the kids were sleeping.

Great post Dawud!

And I reminded him how I did all these things for him everyday (got his things ready to go to work in the morning, made sure dinner was ready after his long work day, etc.). Then what he said shocked me. He said he needed to feel appreciated for what he does for the family, and that would show him that I loved him.

So all this time I’m showing him by doing acts of kindness when what he wants is words of praise and appreciation. I really understood this communication breakdown when I realized I was showing him love in the way I wanted to be shown (like you said, Wendy).

Yep, that was something very valuable to learn. And it feels so good to see the look on his face when I truly appreciate him.

My husband is a neat freak with a paranoia to insects and I need to not hear about it when I leave a glass by my computer or by the couch or where ever. I know it is a bad habit and I know I shouldn’t do it because it might draw a ant or something. I do try, but it is way harder for me than him. I don’t have his tendencies. How stupid is that? LOL… I know.

What I find lovely is while there are similarities between people, we all need something a little different from our spouses and partners.

And Keely, I do agree with you – I don’t think this question is asked enough.

What Has to Happen in Order for You to Feel Loved?

The reason this is such a magical question is because most spouses show their love and affection in the manner and style in which THEY would like love to be shown to them.

But your spouse might have a different way of feeling loved, in which case your expressions of love might be getting ‘lost in translation’.

But when you ask the question, be sure to get answers that are ‘in the positive’, meaning that they are things you can actually do, instead of a list of ‘negatives’, like “don’t do X, stop doing Y…”

Hope that all made sense as my fingers can’t seem to keep up with my thoughts today.

This is a great question, and the funny thing is, I don’t think it’s asked enough, at least not of me. I agree with all the comments as top wants from my spouse, but the truth is, when I read the question, something else immediately popped into my head.

The other day my husband was going to work and I was sitting at the kitchen table feeding my 1 year old. He leaned in and kissed me “goodbye” as usual, but that day he lingered for a couple of moments longer in the kiss.

The effect? I smiled from the inside out all day as I thought of him. And I thought of him a LOT. He shook me out of our normal routine and made me feel very loved just because he made an effort to do so. It was like, here’s your kiss because I love you, and I’m lingering here because I really mean it.

So in response to the question, I would say that I need my husband to show me he loves me and that I am special to him.

Thanks for the question!

My wife wants me not to kill myself by overworking, not sleeping, eating poorly, etc.

My wife wants me to take care of myself.

I’d put security up on the top of the list too, although she knew what she was getting into when she married me (just passed 6 years!)

Regardless, the what women want question is still valid…

Personally, I need my spouse to demonstrate responsibility, more than provide security, as I’m capable of making ends meet myself.

I need respect, and to be really listened to. John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, lists “men’s lack of willingness to listen to and be influenced by their wives” as a frequent problem in marriages he sees.

And following on to that, I need communication and companionship. It’s all too easy for partners of both gender to unwind from their day by turning on the tv or pursuing solo avocations (blogging, anyone?) and that tendency/boundary issue is probably more pronounced with work-at-home spouses, but those are essentially isolating activities.

Instead, we need time with our significant other where we focus on each other – it doesn’t have to be a dreaded “let’s talk about our relationship” session – but could include walks, a yard project, a trip to the dog park, or an expedition to the boat show.

Great question!

I also know that my wife says that my willingness to listen to criticism and be a person that is continually trying to grow is one of the greatest traits in a spouse. I think I might have to agree with her. If your spouse is constantly seeking growth, then you can have faith that all of the other ‘needs’ will be met.