With 20+ years of both formal and informal experience in psychology and the self help field, it is a natural instinct for me to want to help people (and damn, that makes me sound old! 
). It’s also what gets me up every morning to write on this blog, and work with my coaching clients. I love adding value, I love making a difference.
One of the heartbreaks of maintaining this kind of attitude happens when I come into contact with those who could be called, “Seekers”. These are people who are always looking for answers, and are very good at “Seeking” but not “Finding”. I’d go so far as to say that they are addicted to the hunt, but not the kill (in fact, they seem to avoid the kill!).
I say this only because I know it from experience:
- This next book will have the answer to my problem about ____.
- I only need to go to this seminar, and then I will have conquered ____.
- If I only had ____ skill set, then I could really take my business to the next level.
Notice I mixed both business and personal ideas there. I did that on purpose.
I think we all know someone like this:
- The Self Help Junkie
- The News Junkie
- The Info Product Junkie
- The Seminar Junkie
- The Networking Junkie
- The Relationship Junkie
These people are on the hunt. I can guess at their motivation, only because I have felt it myself. They want that last little “Missing Piece”: they are looking for something outside of themselves to make them feel enough, like they have finally ‘got it’.
Along the way, I found a quote in a book that kicked my “Junkie” ass into shape. I can’t even remember where I read it. The first time, even the fifth time I read it, I didn’t ‘get’ it. I glossed over it thinking once again, that the next bit of info would be the one I needed to really ‘get it’. This quote has stayed with me for years, and quite possibly has been the one that has changed my actions the most – both inside and out:
Before you look for “new” Truths, put into practice those you already know.
This has pretty obvious personal development implications. But I’ve been recently experiencing the interesting business implications of this statement.
As a natural giver, (uh, hello, I’m a mom!!) sometimes it is difficult to draw the line between what we give to our clients/readers/communities for free, vs. what we charge for. Many of my clients have the same problem as well, because I work with mostly entrepreneurs.
Where do you draw the line when:
- Your top client requests endless revisions or hand-holding?
- Your friends want you to offer your valuable consulting for free?
- You work to build a high quality online community yet trolls come in to advertise or become poster children for court-mandated anger management programs?
- Your clients pay for coaching or consulting, but don’t implement your suggestions?
- You offer up ALL of your expertise on your blog, when you could be writing a book or information product?
Pair up natural “Givers” with natural “Seekers”, and it’s a recipe for disaster. At some point, the giver will feel taken advantage of. At some point, the seeker will feel resentful that what was once freely given is now being withheld.
I have a couple of side projects that have taken that exact turn towards disaster. It’s a sad and difficult decision to make – I still want to help these people!! But when they refuse to help themselves, am I really serving their highest good by continuing to offer my time and expertise for free? It is eating up energy for the projects that I DO want to develop and grow, like this blog and a few others.
Indeed we are NOT serving the highest good of our clients if we continue to give to the “Seekers”.
Why?
Because we are perpetuating the lie of the “Missing Piece”. That missing piece is not something you, nor I, nor any book, nor any seminar can give to these people. That missing piece can only be found within ourselves. If we continue to perpetuate the lie, we’re robbing these “Seekers” of ever finding what they are looking for. Which leads me to another one of my favorite and life changing quotes, from Tony Robbins himself:
“All you need is within you now”
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Sparkplugging Founder Wendy Piersall is dang passionate about helping people start & grow a business while maintaining life balance (somehow). 
Easton Ellsworth is owner of 
Wendy, what a terrific post. And I’m certainly guilty…But I hope that I’m helping to remind my readers (and myself) of that which they may already know inside themselves! Thanks Wendy!
Kudos My dear!
It’s obvious through this incredible month of contests…that you are applying all your leverage in your networking, relationships, etc. to help you build your ezine subscribers, RSS feed, loyal community, and draw new, incoming traffic day after day. Also, you’re building your info-products, ecourse and ebook…that has been a huge undertaking for you! The landing pages, copywriting, etc. takes a ton of time, and to see you focus your time and energies towards your online biz growth outside of this one blog alone is empowering!
I remember reading Brain’s advice at Copyblogger.com about crossing the line between free and fee advice…as for blogs and giving for ‘free’ if you fell you’re giving too much, you’re on the right track. [Paraphrased from my memory].
I believe everyone struggles with the issues you pose above, especially if you
re in the coaching biz. That’s why I stray away from ‘coaching’, and freelance…so I can paid for services and don’t feel the “emotional” tie to the person when they are simply “seeking” and not “applying” or “acting” with these ‘new’ truths.
Your inner and outer struggle obviously pushes you to your highest level and you draw more faithful readers…this is a great thing!
The “emotional” tie you have to those seeking free advice, and those not acting on your paid-advice has to be handled on a personal-basis.
Only until facing death, now twice, did I realize that yes…I can only change myself…I can ‘guide’, ‘empower’, ‘ignite’, ‘advice’, etc…it’s up to them to make the move towards their destiny. I’m at peace with this.
Also, when I’m pressed with time, I can’t be bothered with non-follow-uppers either…those are the “askers”, “takers”, and simply “non-doers”. I walk away from these people, and specifically do not take them up as clients.
All the best my dear!
Hugz, Ponn
Hey Wendy,
I have had MANY conversations recently regarding this same subject and finally came to the same conclusion.
I just added a Hire Me page to my Blog so people will get the idea I WORK for a living doing what they as for FREE.
Thanks for the timely post.
Joe
Wendy,
Oh, I have seen the “missing link” syndrome SO many times!
During my time as a personal trainer, I was constantly giving my clients 110%, but sure enough, as soon as I stopped working with them, they stopped working out.
It is actually one of the reasons why I moved into writing about empowerment, rather than having an instructional role, such as a personal trainer.
Any monkey can listen to directions. It takes a truly empowered person to consistently take action to improve their life.
Great post, Wendy!
Wendy, This is so true. I’ve got several seekers who start but don’t finish before they’re distracted by another great idea… I’m learning when to say no.
I want to answer clients questions, and do, sometimes I do endless revisions or tweaks because it feels good to hear the feedback when you nail what they were looking for – but I don’t always bill them what I should for it. I struggle with where to draw the line and it’s hard to say no when you’re accustomed to saying yes.
On practicing the truths you already know: this works. I’m seeing that in action today, and it’s really nice to have the peace, instead of looking for the missing piece.
Thanks for making me think about this.
First I would like to say I came across this blog through SEO High Rankings Advisor.
Second I would like to say I agree with the term “Seekers” I have met a few of those in my time and I finally get to the point where I tell myself ‘hey they either get it or they don’t’ If they want to make a better life for themselves then they will. If not then they won’t and they don’t have anyone to blame but themselves.
I chose to go back to college when I was 32 years old. I am thankful that I decided to go back and get my degree I am going to go to get my doctorate in physical education and I will eventually open a complete weight loss wellness center in honor of my grandmother who passed away five years ago.
Wendy,
What a thought provoking post! I have been considering this topic for awhile now because there is an overwhelming amount of info available EVERYWHERE and sometimes I feel that I can’t read another thing until I get moving forward with my plans, but it is so easy to want to see “what’s next, what’s hot, what’s now” and not get moving with my biggest plans.
There’s a great quote that says “don’t sacrifice what you want most for what you want right now.”
And you’re right, we all DO want to make a living in life, yet we want to be generous too…there’s a careful balance of how that can work and when its appropriate to benefit both people. Often people find MORE value when they pay for it. I’m learning that…
I’ll be tracking back to this post soon. Thanks for sending the wake up call!
Kelly
You have to have read The Missing Piece and The MIssing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein! My favorite books! In a simple story with simple pictures this will sum up every relationship in your life and your business perfectly! Check it out! (unless of course you all ready told people to and I glossed over that in reading your post!)
If you’ve read it– it’s good to be able to roll!
I read your fabulous post last night and it made me cry! I didn’t even realise I had this disease all these years! No bloomin wonder I haven’t achieved anything in my life, I never feel or think I’m “ready”, no matter how much I learn.
I find it so hard to put into action what I already know because I don’t believe I have anything of value to offer others, when there is an endless source of information already available from qualified people, that anyone can find. Why would they listen to a stay home mum with no credibility?!
Talk about low self-esteem
But I have not stopped thinking about your post all day. I went to sleep saying “All I need is within me now” over and over! And, saying it does make me feel more complete somehow.
Yet, where does one draw the line when there is always room for learning, improving, expanding on what you do and what you know? That I cannot work out.
Maybe it’s because I have so little free time that I feel if I don’t spend it all trying to better myself, rather than just doing something NOW, I will be “out of the loop”, outdated, and just plain “wrong”.
Time to get myself a psychologist maybe?! Or unplug my my puta from my modem. And smash the modem. And maybe smash my computer. Too much great stuff out there, I could probably improve myself just by not having all the distraction!
Anyway, thank you so much for bringing it into the front of my mind where I can actually make a conscious effort to do something about it.
Off I go to try to find the missing piece…
HAHAHA
Ohhhhh Dear.
Annie
Annie,
You are exactly right about the “information overload”. I think that the key is to filter what you spend your time learning about, but never to actually stop learning.
You’ve grasped onto a great concept by saying Tony’s power phrase. Stick with basics like a positive affirmation, and don’t get too mired in the details.
Also, one of the best tricks for finding happiness is to simply start being happy NOW. Happiness is nothing but our reaction to life’s circumstances, and no one has the power to make you happy – or sad – except for you!
By continuing to focus on being happy, before you know it you’ll just stay that way without having to think about it.
Choose happiness, Annie.
Boy, do I know what you mean! After a run of three really vampire-ish clients in a row who took big-time advantage of my “giver-ness”, I decided to let the Universe know I was DONE with that lesson and wouldn’t you know, the very next client was on that same track.
Thankfully, I was able to get really clear, really fast and let her know in a kind and loving way that we were not able to serve her anymore. She cried, begged, pleaded with me to continue, but as difficult as it was, I held fast to my resolution that “I only work with my ideal clients” and she was NOT anywhere near that.
Here’s what happened RIGHT AWAY: the next BIG client (a few days later) WAS an ideal client in every way…clear communicator, devoted to getting organized, even when the going was tough, generous, caring, fun and referred us on the spot to another ideal client!
Additionally, when I got back from the ideal client, the bank sent me a check for over $150 and let me know how grateful they were that I had paid off my loan! I had NO IDEA that I was even close to paying it off!
I don’t see either of those blessings as coincidental. I believe in the core of my being that when we get clear on what we want and who we are to serve, then we create a pathway for that to come to us.
Debt to me, on any level, is more about “owing” myself than owing anyone outside myself and when I ‘repay’ my energetic loan to myself, my external debts magically disappear.
(I hear a blog post in the making…)
thanks, WP, you rock as always,
jessica from It’s Not About Your Stuff
This reminds me of something my college roommate said to me freshman year. Lisa said, “You have all of these gifts that you already posess just waiting at your feet, but you refuse to pick them up and claim them as your own.” I have spent the years since then trying to recognize the gifts and pick them up. its a work in progress since we all have been given so many!
This book was followed by The Missing Piece Meets the Big O which is wonderful. It talks about growing and learning and becoming your own person in order to be happy. Then maybe you will find someone else who is a full O instead of missing a piece and you can roll on your own next to each other. That’s what I’m working towards!