One of Those Awkward, Uncomfortable Moments in Which I Realized That I Had Been Holding Out on You
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When I was at the SXSW conference last week - I only had 1 must-attend session - to see Heather Armstrong, Dooce, talk on a panel called Online Adulation: Don’t Abuse Your Fans. I got up and nervously asked Heather a question at the end - “You are extremely transparent on your blog - and I have also seen the vicious attacks you get for doing so. When something like that happens to me, I let it rent headspace for days sometimes - how do you personally manage the emotional stress of hundreds of attacks?”
Now, I’m no newbie to being transparent - and I’m also no newbie to getting attacked - but Heather’s level of attack-ness eclipses anything I have ever experienced by a longshot. And I honestly have felt myself holding back as this site gets bigger - thinking that maybe I should be a little less ‘out there’ and maybe everyone doesn’t need to know ‘everything’ I am dealing with behind the scenes - because you know what? It’s getting harder and harder to be public with my flaws.
Heather answered with a story about her skin cancer diagnosis - and knew full well that some people would accuse her of being a drama queen for writing about it, no matter how she brought it up. And they did. But because she blogged about her skin cancer diagnosis, she had a reader mail in and say that she went and got a cancer screening to. And because of Heather’s post, they caught her cancer in time to save her life.
Listening to her answer I had one of those awkward, uncomfortable moments in which I realized that I had been holding out on you. And that even though I knew from experience that blogging transparently is important and really changes people’s lives, I really didn’t want to talk about this past winter. And in that moment, I knew I had to. *Cue skin crawling feeling*
Depression and Working at Home
It took me much longer than usual this winter to break out of my winter funk - I’ve shared that I get pretty bad S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) in the past - but this year was really freaking BAD. I feel like I haven’t been able to truly open up since last November on this blog like I always have in the past. And I’ve missed making this connection with all of you.
The real reason I started this blog almost 2 years ago was to share my story from years ago of how being clinically depressed while running a home business really messed with my head (points for understatement of the year, perhaps?). It guess it is fitting and appropriate that it comes full circle to talk about it again - though I’m not sure that S.A.D. is the same as clinical depression, for a few months there, it sure felt like it, and I was way outside of my comfort zone.
I really felt like I had to hide it from you. I wanted you to continue to think I was this strong woman who had conquered her demons and that they remained far behind her. What was really happening was that I was wondering every damn day how I was going to continue to grow this business when I didn’t feel like I could take care of myself, let alone 3 children, a home, a blog network, and 8 authors that were counting on me to make this work.
The truth of the matter is that I was shortchanging both of us on a critically important learning opportunity. But I couldn’t share the story with you until I climbed back out of that hole again. I couldn’t talk about the problem until I could find the lesson in it.
I saw a comment in January - I can’t even remember who or where it was said, but someone said something to the effect of, “It’s hard to believe that someone like Wendy would ever have to deal with these kinds of struggles”. I cried when I read that, because I just wanted to reach through this computer screen and scream that “YES, I HAVE F-ING PROBLEMS TOO!! I’M NOT PERFECT!” And I wanted to say to her that if you wait until you think you can “handle” a big business and that you have all the “experience” and “answers”, guess what? It will never freaking happen!!
Thanks, Dooce
So, quite honestly, I hated writing this post. And I’m second guessing publishing it. I hate telling you I don’t have it all together, and I hate the thought that you might think I’m some lame ass lazy poser. But Heather was right.
I loved that some of you thought that I don’t have to deal with struggles, that I am some kind of super-human being. But if I continue to let you believe that about me then I have failed you as a leader, a colleague and as a friend. I mess up, I fall down, I cry (as in right now…), I doubt, and I get scared.
While all this was going on, the site has still grown, I still showed up every day, and I refused to give in and believe in my shortcomings. And I can assure you, while in the midst of the snowiest, coldest, and darkest winter we have had in decades, I felt like I was drowning in shortcomings. But if I can run a business, a blog network, and a family from my basement office while struggling with S.A.D./depression, then perhaps I can also serve as an example to you that maybe you can do more than you think you can do with your own business.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But I am going to say that if I am going to show up here and teach you what it is like to become a business owner, I’m going to be brutally honest with you about it.
This might sound like it’s all stress and misery. It can feel that way at times, but I honestly wouldn’t trade this life for anything on this planet. I get to touch lives, I get to inspire people, I get to make a difference, and I get to help people like you create a business that allows you to follow your dreams while getting more time with your families.
I’m living my mission. For some people its about making money from home. For me, I’m touching God through writing these words. I’m honored to be here, even when I show up with mascara all over my face.
So please, no matter how inadequate you might feel, go out and change the world today. I know you can.
: Interesting question on business forum...ponder..... 07/03/09 12:42am
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Sparkplugging Founder Wendy Piersall is dang passionate about helping people start & grow a business while maintaining life balance (somehow). 
Kelly McCausey is an internet marketer, blog publisher, podcaster
and web business coach. Host of 
Bill Parlaman is owner of 
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Such an inspirational post! Thank you for sharing that, it was brave of you. None of us are perfect, none of us keep it together all of the time and I’m glad you said that. I’ve only discovered your blog/site in the last month or so and I find it so useful and full of great info. I’m usually just a lurker but I had to comment on this post.
Karen Erickson’s last blog post..Mommies United Party!
Excellent excellent point. I really relate to the:
“I couldn’t talk about the problem until I could find the lesson in it.”
I think every problem we encounter is our guardian angel saying, “okay, there’s something you need to learn but because you’ve been so resistent…I’m letting life kick you in the teeth so you’ll stand up and take notice.”
Like Richard Bach says, every problem you experience bears a gift in its hands.
Thanks for sharing,
Barbara
Barbara Ling (aka Owlbert)’s last blog post..Viva the Easter Broccoli Bunny! Managing your blog fan’s expectations - Day 1 of 5
My thoughts are with you, Wendy. I’m a GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) sufferer. Thank you (and dooce) for your vulnerability and honesty.
Bob Younce’s last blog post..Writing Around the Web - March 16, 2008
Thank you Wendy. Just thank you. I have had a very bad case of SAD this winter too, and have been feeling like an enormous failure as a person. Oddly enough, Christy at Christy’s Coffee Break wrote about this topic today too, so I was in tears after reading two back-to-back posts on a day I was feeling lower than usual. You have made a difference and I love you for it.
Paula’s last blog post..The Real Problogger
Wow. I applaud you for being transparent, and willing to risk it all to be so. I think in our society we build up this whole story about success, and pretend that those we deem as successful are perfect in every way. It’s more about perseverence and learning along the way, thru the tears and all. Damn girl, there are times when I’ve wanted to crawl in my bed and not come out all day long. Sometimes those are the days when things happen that remind me why I needed to get out and do it anyway.
We just make change in our corner of the world, no matter how imperfect we (and what we do) are …. someone will resonate with what we say and join us on the journey.
Thanks for sharing… hugs to you …
Brandie Kajino’s last blog post..Radio Show Link & Mention on WashingtonPost.com!
After reading my Winter Blues confession that I posted earlier today, my blogging friend directed me over here.
I think quite a few people are suffering from S.A.D. due to the incredibly long winter we’ve had this year.
It takes strength to divulge something so personal. I hope you feel better soon…and just think, the sun is beginning to come out and spring is just about here, so there’s some hope after all:)
Christy’s last blog post..Been Depressed…
Wendy, hugs.
Here’s another.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you live your life according to other people’s expectations, experiences and hang-ups, are you really living?
So what if you lose some by being honest, you will gain others who empathize because they have similar problems, who are drawn to your humble integrity or who wish to be like you because your vulnerability (not your act) makes you strong.
So give yourself a hug and have some chocolate milk.
Way to go, Wendy!
Ria Kennedy’s last blog post..Ria’s Words
Wendy, you should be applauded for having the courage to post this.
Too many times, only the up sid of what we do is written about - or admitted to. Heck, I think there’s a lot I would have started or gotten involved in had I know what was *really* involved in it at the start.
They are learning experiences, and at the end, I find it makes us better people. I could still do with a few less life lessons though.
I think entrepenuera are harder on themselves than anyone else.
Andrea’s last blog post..Check your install for unfiltered_html
Wendy Thanks so much,
I really needed to hear that today… you know the old feeling sorry for myself because today things aren’t going right with the clients, and I get to be a stay-at-home dad and nobody understands what I going through… lol, and shame on me, for not counting my blessings this day like the first one of being a stay-at-home dad… and getting to see my kids faces when they get off the bus, and how they’re so happy to see me, and show me what they have done this day!!!
But, don’t tell my wife I read your blog, or I will have all those embarrassing things to answer for like, you really can change if you want something bad enough, and sometimes I do like the chick flicks, and cuddling is ok… well once in a while:)
Thanks again for blessing my day,
Yours truly
Bill
Bill Wardell’s last blog post..SAFETY FIRST
{{{ Wendy }}}
Having the ability to post your feelings like this shows me that you are an even stronger woman, as opening up like this is not an easy thing to do.
When people view someone that has achieved a level of success that they desire, the perception is that the person has everything together and has no problems even though that is most likely not the case. Part of this perception is likely a result of many people not being open with their struggles, which is why I think what you have done is so admirable as it clearly shows the hard work and difficult times that one will face with their own business.
Thank you Wendy for sharing this with all of us!
Derek’s last blog post..10 Ways To Make Time For Your Children
thanks wendy.
have some more hugs!!
shaz’s last blog post..On anger and patience
Dear Wendy,
Thank you for your courage in blogging about what was clearly a difficult decision and time in your life. You have touched me deeply, and I am inspired and honored by your honestly and dedicated to what you have set out to do.
I wanted to to pass along to you - of all things - a movie, which helped me just this past weekend.
I work as the VP of Operations for David Neagle - Million Dollar Income Acceleration Coach - and my mentor. We are in the midst of a major quantum leap with David at the moment, and I am so honored to be inspired on a daily basis by this man.
But as all quantum leaps tend to be, things have been a bit chaotic and, though I love, love, love what I do, our days have been extremely long. And just this past weekend the 8 weeks running of 80 hour weeks just finally got to me. I literally had a breakdown, and was so tired, and thinking to myself: Is this vision that we’re holding really possible?
I knew that I needed help, and I reached out to David and his wife Jayne for support.
Jayne called me back, taking time out of her busy family and work life to talk to me, and she said: Erin, stop what you’re doing, and go and get this movie.
It’s called August Rush, and it’s about a young boy who perseveres through unimaginable difficulties because he believes in his dream and in his own internal dialogue more than any other outside circumstance … no matter how traumatic.
It brought me back to focusing on my faith that I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing.
I know we don’t treat ourselves to spending time watching trivial tv or movies … but this movie helped to heal my soul, and I hope that it will help you too.
With blessings,
Erin.
Erin Thoms Melnick
http://www.davidneagle.com
Thanks everyone for your hugs and encouragement! I swear that daylight savings is my saving grace every dang year!
@Erin - Irony of ironies - we watched that movie just this last weekend! It was great to watch August follow his own heart rather than listen to anything else!
I truly admire your honesty and candor. I too grapple with letting people know my struggles because I don’t want them to think negatively about me or that I’m less credible. But I know that when I withhold relevant information about myself, I don’t feel accepted for being me and the positive impression people have of me feels hollow. Therefore, I too am working on being more “transparent.” I also hope you’ll feel comfortable confiding in us when you’re having trouble. This website is still your baby, but we’re a blog family now!
Shannon’s last blog post..Easy Easter Crafts
Wendy, it is refreshing to read an open and honest entry as you have written. This is my first visit but will not be my last.
Wendy - thanks for sharing your story.
You have lots of company out here.
This winter was one for the record books - the snowiest in Chicago in 30 years. I feel like we’ve really earned the coming spring. Seeing tulips and daffodils coming up in my yard today surprised me with hope and happiness. Agree that “maybe you can do more than you think you can do with your own business.” And, yes, we can also change the world today and every day. Thanks for being yourself, not the perfect person on a pedestal. It takes guts to talk about [and face] reality.
Barbara
P.S. It’s snowing outside again. . .
Barbara Rozgonyi, Wired PR Works’s last blog post..Jenny Hamby-Barbara Rozgonyi Talk PR| Podcast Replay
How come you have tulips and daffodils and I don’t even though you’re like two towns over?! Bi*ch!!!
/kidding!!/
To clarify: only a few inches of greenery, no flowers. The brick wall reflects heat on the soil in that bed; everything grows more quickly there. Will bring you flowers next time I see you.
Barbara Rozgonyi, Wired PR Works’s last blog post..Jenny Hamby-Barbara Rozgonyi Talk PR| Podcast Replay
Wendy, I just want to add my voice to the chorus and say thank you. It’s extremely hard to be transparent as a business owner. You’re an inspiration.
Hey Wendy,
I’ve been mostly a lurker around your site…I don’t know why either…BUT I’ve read A LOT of your posts especially from when you first started out and your growing pains and I just have to say that YOU INSPIRE ME!
I see myself in some of your posts and it’s like I get encouraged by your journey and it makes me feel like I CAN DO IT - it being I can quit my full time job and work from home online.
KEEP being transparent even when you don’t feel like it because your experiences are touching people even when you don’t know it!
I also wanted to say that thank you for releasing that theme cause it’s perfect for my new site!
All the best,
Lisa
Lisa’s last blog post..10 Fat Burning Foods To Help You Lose Weight Fast
*PREFACED WITH HUGE MAJOR DISCLAIMERS: I AM NOT ATTACKING, JUST DISCUSSING. I LIKE YOU LOTS.*
Without wanting to sound unsympathetic (I am sympathetic. I live in Quebec. We have major winter up here.), I think it’s important to get medical diagnosis. If you have (it wasn’t specified), then good on you and feel free to tell me to mind my own business. But in the age of “self-diagnosis,” especially in the United States, I find that many people prefer to find disorders or illnesses to blame when the issue is really a bad case of real life. (Not saying that’s your case. Just saying.)
That said, considering the levels of stress you mentioned, I sincerely would consider cutting back somewhere, were I in your shoes. SAD or no SAD, most people can’t handle heavy stressors going on like that at once. Trust me, I know. Two kids, single dad, and a team to manage as well as a business to run.
As for Dooce, blogging and life, I think Dooce became famous because she screwed up. That’s okay and cool. I don’t think everyone has to follow in her footsteps and have bodice-ripping performances. (Not saying you did, just saying in general.) I think it creates a cry for attention (not saying you are), and we already have enough issues on the ‘net with competition.
Personal on a blog is okay. We blog from a personal perspective. But when we decide to share information, we don’t shout about it. We mention it in the course of a post, and that’s all. Life goes on. Blogging is a job, not a personal extravaganza. It’s personal, but there has to be a line somewhere.
Find the blend that fits for you.
Chin up. You’re not on performance. You don’t have to meet anyone’s standards but your own. We still like you no matter where those standards are, because you’re a cool person.
Wendy, you and your followers are truly inspirational.
One of the things I love about blogging and the online business movement is that even though we’re so far apart, we often feel like we know the people we read and interact with. That way of doing business brings us all closer together and enlightens us with a little hope and encouragement.
Thanks Wendy!
cory huff’s last blog post..New Tagline
Wendy, girl– we gotta get together so I can give you a real life hug. You certainly weren’t alone this winter in dealing with S.A.D. I swear, it was a record year for hearing about it. So many of my friends, so many bloggers, so many neighbors shared it too. Even a friend who moved from Colorado emailed me and said, “How the h*ll do you Illinois people stay sane without the sun here?
Here’s to a better days ahead!
Karen Putz aka Deaf Mom’s last blog post..Steak ‘n Shake–Will We Move Forward?
You inspired me to get going after I started my blog, you make a difference to so many people, always remember that,
That probably makes more of us be transparent knowing that our readers respect it
I love your openness and honesty. this post will touch so many of your reader too
Fellow Chicagoan, I know EXACTLY how you feel. This winter was VERY hard for me.
pickel’s last blog post..Semana Santa
I go through the same thing on my blog. And I thank you for exemplifying the importance of transparency in blogging. I certainly would never think less of you. In fact, I have been hesitating on how to make my own confession to my readers, and you’ve inspired me to go ahead and do it, so thank you.
Chief Family Officer’s last blog post..Welcome Dumb Little Man Readers!
Wendy,
The one thing I have always admired about you and your site was the transparency.
Actually, about 4-5 months ago I noticed a shift in your writing style, and I almost called you on it.
Glad to have you back.
Hugh Hollowell’s last blog post..On Being Poor
Hugh - you are hereby invited to call me on it any time you ever feel that way again. I’d rather have a chorus of devil’s advocates in my corner than a million people saying, “Great job, Wendy!”
LMAO at James Chartrand!! I don’t think I’ve *ever* seen so many disclaimers and explanations in a comment before!!
I remember when the eBay selling blogger shared her story about her stress with the blog and eBay store, people are generally very encouraging. After all, everybody has fears and issues. I admire people that can openly share these things.
Kelvin Kao’s last blog post..LCC presents: I’m Feeling Lucky!
Because, y’know, that goes without saying. Though I’m no one’s fanboy.
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..Would You Become Someone Else To Achieve Your Dreams?
The level to which a human being can admit their vulnerabilities to another is surely an important marker of one’s strength. Anyone who says that isn’t so is to be treated with suspicion…
X
Lisa’s last blog post..Carfting Heroes with Kristin Link: Owner of the fabulous Sew Mama Sew! fabric store.
@ Lisa - People have differing views, values and perceptions. What is a strength is subjective to individual opinion. What you feel a strength may not be to someone else - and that doesn’t make them a person to be treated with suspicion.
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..Would You Become Someone Else To Achieve Your Dreams?
W ~ It’s because of Mr. Dooce that I’ve been able to find a support/educational class in my area to help my own family deal with the multiple types of depression we suffer from. Me with Seasonal Depression,OCD and borderline agoraphobic, my husband with Bipolar disorder and PTS from Iraq and two boys with Clinical Depression - we run the gamut of psychosis around here.
Of all the things I’ve ever faced, facing the fact that *I* have a mental illness has been the most difficult. I’d finally hit the lowest point myself a couple of months ago. That’s when I found Mr. Dooce and his writings about their struggle with Bipolar.
I’ll be able to report back over the coming weeks on our own level of success with the classes, but for now, it’s the first step in the right direction.
Not that I am glad you suffer from depression, but it is a bit comforting to know that there are plenty more of us out here lurking behind the monitor with stuff misfiring in our brains from time to time
Gayla McCord’s last blog post..Wishes for My Baby Keepsake Tin - A MomGadget Giveaway
You truly are an inspiration. Working at home isn’t easy and it requires constand motivation and inspriation to which you can attribute your post to.
It takes a lot of strength and keeping the faith but making such a post as this and getting others to help empathize and contribute their thoughts is a BIG help. I have to commend you for your courage.
My Best,
Elizabeth
I’ve been suffering from some severe homesickness the last few months, and my tendency when I get in periods of depression (I’m bipolar) is to pull away from everyone and everything. And that reaches to my blogs, as well. They get ignored and neglected. I imagine, though, if I’d push through and go ahead and blog - it would help me and my readers. It can just be so hard sometime, though - as you well know.
Thanks for sharing this Wendy - it really ‘reached out’ to me.
Lisa Marie Mary’s last blog post..Blogger Beatbox!
I’m here by way of Lori (cowboy’s wife)
I am in awe of your honesty.
i envy that kind of openness. i keep five blogs, and i only touch on my truly personal life on one of them, which is mainly for friends and family.
corrin’s last blog post..And her name is?
Hi Wendy,
I didn’t know that this was the reason you started this blog, I didn’t find your blog until later.
I think it’s a good thing that you share your personal struggles because there are going to be 100’s if not 1000’s of others out there who feel the same way and will be inspired by you.
You know what else - the people who throw back negativity to you are also triggered in some way by what you’ve written - either they have the same issue or know someone who does and are affected by it.
Keep up the great work Wendy, you’re clearly helping many people! 
JoLynn Braley’s last blog post..Sometimes You’ve Just Got To Get Away