Talking To Kids About Death

Talking about death is difficult for many adults - talking about death with your kids can be especially difficult. Unfortunately, many of us only talk about death and dying when our lives have been touched by a loss of a loved one.

That is what has prompted me to write this post today - as earlier this morning my Grandma passed away after recently celebrating her 90th birthday. After receiving the phone call this morning and spending some time talking to my wife, we had to sit down and tell our kids that Great Grandma had died.

As a matter of fact, that was the first question I asked my wife: “Do we tell them that she passed away or that she died?”

We opted to say that she died.

One of the mistakes that we often make when talking to our children about death and dying is that we try to sugarcoat things to protect them. When talking to kids about death, try not to use words that will confuse them as that can cause even more difficulty.

Consider the following - your child asks, “What is death like?”

You respond, “Death is like going to sleep. Grandma is sleeping.”

When your child associates death with sleeping, don’t be surprised if your child has a very difficult time going to sleep for quite awhile. The fear in their mind is that they will go to sleep and never wake up again.

Last year we had a difficult time as we were mourning the loss of my Opa and our son became ill with an unknown virus that resulted in him spending a rather scary week in the hospital. At the same time, there was another death of someone we knew. As you can imagine, our son became very concerned that he was going to die in the hospital and had a very difficult time sleeping.

While you are being careful to use appropriate words and be as direct as possible, you should also prepare yourself for some very bizarre questions.

“Will the worms crawl all over Grandma in the ground?”

“How will Grandpa go to the bathroom?”

There are a lot of questions racing through a child’s mind when they encounter death, some of which will likely seem inappropriate. It is important to allow your children to express themselves and know that asking their questions will not get them in trouble. As mentioned earlier, be aware of how you answer their questions and be as direct as possible.

Along with the discussions about death and dying, you will be faced with the question of whether your children should attend the wake and/or funeral services.

In my opinion, yes they should - as long as you prepare them ahead of time for what they will (and maybe more importantly will not) see. If the services are open casket, explain to them what the casket will look like and that they will be able to see the person that has died. Also be sure to tell them that the person will not be able to sit up, move, or breathe.

Attending the wake and funeral can offer closure for the child and help them understand that they will not see the person again. However, it is probably best not to force your children to participate. If they don’t feel comfortable going up to see the body, allow them their space and provide them any comfort that they need.

Death is a part of life that children will be exposed to often at an early age. As a parent, we can help that process tremendously by being honest and as straightforward as possible in order to reduce the potential confusion and fear in our child’s mind.

Have you talked about death with your kids?

What has or hasn’t worked for you?