I have a confession. If any of you have ever spoken with me while I’m driving you already know. It’s also one of the reasons very few people have my personal cell phone number. Hi, my name is Laurie and I talk like a truck driver … sometimes.
Sorry, I know that’s an unjust, bad rap for truckers, but you get the picture. I have little patience with less than intelligent drivers. I’m prone to road rage – not in actual behavior but in language. It’s true. I have a potty mouth when I drive. And yes, sadly I do kiss my kiddos with that same mouth.
Actually, I think it started at a young age.
I’m not sure of the root cause of it, as I don’t remember too much cussing originating from anyone in my home when I was a wee lassie. I do recall an event when I called my brother a bastard. Not sure how old I was; I’m thinking maybe nine or ten. Ooh did I get in trouble for that one.
I remember my dad chewing me a new one for that word. And nope, I didn’t know what that word meant at the time. To make matters worse, I lied and said, “I didn’t call him that. I called him a basket.” Lying definitely absolutely was not tolerated in my family. I remember this like it was yesterday. He didn’t believe that I called my older brother a basket and asked me why I would do that. “He just made me so mad it just flew out of my mouth.” So now you know I was a liar and a potty mouthed kid. I got to suck on a bar of soap for that one.
Last summer we took one of my teen’s friends on a road trip with us. Before we drove too far down the road, I apologized in advance to the friend for what she would likely hear come out of my mouth. We were going to be in the car together at least 12 hours over the next 36 hours and I just knew I’d say something that would embarrass my children. Luckily the little angel said, “Oh, it’s okay Ms. Ayers, I’m used to hearing it from my mom when she drives too.”
They weren’t sure if they should be afraid or laugh.
Pfeww, at least I’m not the only one. I really, really try to keep it in check but sometimes those idiots on the road just make it prit near impossible to keep sweet, golden lips – even with my girls in the car. I think the first time I screamed “Jackass!” at some oblivious driver, my princesses were a bit shocked, but then they just snickered. They weren’t sure if they should be afraid or laugh.
Unfortunately I wish that calling someone a horse’s patoodie was the worst it has gotten. Sadly, it sometimes gets a little more colorful. Hey, I’m of Polish descent, and I’m a red head. Don’t get me riled up, okay?
I try to have a few substitutes in my back pocket that are a little more ladylike. They’re generally not the first that come to mind but for example, “Shoot Dangit!” is my latest clean cuss phrase. I like it because it’s fun to say; it’s clean; and it’s a couple syllables, so hopefully by the time I finish saying it, the urge to whip of a string of distasteful profanity has passed.
I’m not the only one who has alternative curse phrases they use in place of swearing.
Sometimes my mom would say “Oh pithle” If memory serves me, she’d used it replace the naughtier version of ‘dangit.’
The Shirley Feeney, one of the famous Milwaukee bottle capping duo from Laverne and Shirley use to say ‘Oh pshaw!’ in place of cussing. Pshaw is an expression of contempt, impatience, or disbelief. I guess it would be the equivalent of B.S.!
In the very touching, poignant movie about 9/11, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Oskar Schell, the young boy and main character says “Succotash my Balzac, dipshiitake!”
During the snowball fight scene in Elf, starring Will Ferrell, Buddy exclaims, “Son of a Nutcracker!”
Amusing dubbed movie/TV scenes
What are amusing to me are the dubbed scenes in movies and television in attempt to clean it up. They’re usually pretty bad substitutes and their mouths don’t even line up with the words.
In the TV version of Repo Man: “‘Flip you, melonfarmer’”
Remember the classic Rain Man? Regular version:
“Uh oh, I farted!
“Did you fart Ray? Did you f…in’ fart?”
Edited for TV version:
“Uh oh, I passed!”
“Did you pass Ray? Did you friggin pass?”
Any Big Bang Theory fans in the house, other than moi? Sheldon is never shown swearing, and despite the mildness of the words such as “poop”, “heck”, and “poppycock”, he will actually apologize for his language. Also at Howard’s bachelor party, Sheldon tries to engage in typical bachelor party behavior, including alcohol and swearwords.
Sheldon: (takes a sip of alcohol). “Jeepers, that’s yucky!”
Leonard: “Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don’t you think?”
In one episode Penny says, “Holy crap on a cracker!”
So you see, cussing, cursing, profanity, swearing, naughty words, potty mouth, it’s part of life. Sure it’s not very ladylike and I’m not proud that I sometimes spew phrases that could peel paint off prison walls, but gosh darn it, golly gee willackers, I’m working on it! (And if my quest for continuous improvement isn’t good enough, then you can just @#*(!*&$.
C’mon ladies, fess up. Don’t leave me hangin’. Occasionally a bad word slips out of your mouth too, right? Do you have any funny stories about that to share? Or any creative substitute words or phrases that are utilized in your house?