Last night my son participated in the third night of tryouts for the traveling baseball team that will compete next spring. While watching these young boys give their best effort, I noticed something that I had never really paid much attention to before.
Parenting has become the most competitive adult sport.
You might think this sounds like a ridiculous statement, although one only needs to visit a local youth sporting event to see this in action.
When a child performs a superb play on the field, it isn’t too hard to pick the parents out of the crowd as they are likely grinning from ear to ear and commenting to anyone within earshot that that is their child. The shocking thing is that often times this sense of pride in their child is more about them than it is about the child.
Likewise, when a child fails to make a play, more often than not there is a parent waiting on the sideline with words of criticism rather than encouragement.
This behavior isn’t unique to sports either.
You will find parents competing with one another when it comes to their child’s athletic accomplishments, academic accomplishments, and social accomplishments.
To be honest, I am not even sure that many parents realize what they are doing. This behavior is grown from good intentions, as we all want to be the best parents we can and help guide our children down the path of success. However, conversations about our children quickly become a game of oneupmanship with other parents.
Parent Smith: “Johnny had a great year, he received straight A’s again!”
Parent Jones: “That’s great, Jane had straight A’s in all of her advanced placement classes for the third straight year.”
Not wanting to be outdone by another parent’s boasting, the following response is not uncommon:
Parent Smith: “Right, Johnny would have taken the advanced placement classes too but between being the star quarterback and his volunteer work he just didn’t have the time.”
By now you probably think I am joking.
I wish that I were.
While not verbatim, these are scenarios that I have witnessed and conversations that I have overheard in my community.
Parents are competing with one another and the game is their children’s lives.
Children are being forced into competitive sports, signed up for extracurricular activities, and enrolled in additional educational courses. The fear is that if your child is not excelling in all of these areas that they will be a failure, which means that you have lost the parenting game.
There are preschools near my home that charge an annual tuition that exceeds many colleges and universities. Would you believe that there is a waiting list for enrollment in these preschools?
Watching the parents that were watching their children compete on the baseball field really made me recognize this twisted sense of competition between the parents. There were parents chastising their kids for missing a ball. There were parents screaming at their child to try harder. There were even parents making a point to recognize the failures of other children, as that means their child has a better chance of making the team.
It was a rather sickening experience, one which I wish that I could tell you that I have never been guilty of but I am certain that I have done it as well.
Why are we, as parents, competing so heartily with one another?
FREE 21-Page Internet Business Idea Guide
Enter your name and email below and we'll send you our unique 21-page guide chock full of Internet business ideas - for free! Your information will be kept private, of course.
I’m hyper competitive. But when it comes to my kids – who are still very young (my 3 and 5 year olds play sports) – I make sure to emphasize only the positive. More than anything, I just want them to enjoy sports, and to participate fully. When they accomplish something, I praise them. When they don’t do well, I praise them, as long as they’re participating.
I remember the first time my oldest was in tee ball for the first time. There were parents of a not yet 4 yr old kid running their hands through their hair when the kid didn’t *run to the ball*. Oy.
I really don’t get that kind of attitude. At some point I understand that part of it is parents living vicariously through their kids, but that’s a very selfish way to behave.
Khyles last blog post..Damn that Frankie Valli
Tell me about it. That’s one reason why I shy away from sporting events but really love the individual/team aspects of Marching Band/Karate.
Your post reminded me last week when my kid participated in adult sparring for the first time – got totally overwhelmed but chose not to give up…. I was so proud of her words failed me. (okay, words didn’t really fail as I wrote a blog post about it.
).
My kids pit themselves AGAINST themselves…and it works out far better that way.
Great article, stumbled!
Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coachs last blog post..SURVIVING the Circle of Love (and smashing your fears to teeny tiny bits)
This is rampant at my kids’ charter school. There are many kids there with five-day work weeks, literally. They go to school and then have events scheduled every day. Dance, drama, karate, gym, swimming, piano, etc… it’s ridiculous. These kids are worn out every day and you can see it. I’m glad to report that I caught myself before it got out of hand. My kids took the entire summer off and they’ve been loving it.
Here’s a similar article with some links about hyper-parenting and comparativitis on Joeprah.com.
petes last blog post..Wordless Wednesday 29
Wow, that is sickening. I live way out in the sticks, so there’s less competition here. I wonder if that’s a population density and/or an income level thing?
Anyway. I totally hear you on the pushing kids to do too much issue. I signed the older boys (age 10) up for football this fall thinking they’d be involved in it a couple of days a week, get some good exercise, learn some skills, and perhaps even mature a little. Yea.
Instead, we’re in the situation of boys practicing 4 nights a week until school starts, at which point it goes down to 3 nights plus Saturday games. For ten year olds??? It’s insane. We signed up and made a commitment, so we’re going to give it a try. This is definitely already on the “once in a lifetime” list. I can see that kind of schedule for kids well into their teens, but not for elementary age students.
My husband and I were both highly competitive athletes. Neither one of us had parents that were over the top and had basic clapping and cheers from our moms. As parents of 5 kids, 2 are already in competitive soccer and softball and it was an eye opener the first year they played. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe what i was seeing…. dads drilling the kids and trying to correct everything they did or a mom taking credit for their child’s success…It made me sick! My husband and I vowed that we would never, ever “life through our children”. We had our turn and we had a good run too, but it’s their turn now. We’re just here to be their biggest fans.
Tara B.s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday…14 years today
If you are in a cosmopolitan city, chances are you have come across ethnic Asian academic kids who know nothing (much more) than to study study study.
I dare say the above example is probably that of 1st or 2nd generation migrants (who still have [live with??] 1st generation migrant parents). I live in Malaysia, ethnically Chinese. My parents have a friend who slapped her son in school when picking him up from after-school, upon finding out his exam results. I am made to understand that his score was already in the 90%’s. My mum told me this story while trying to get me to study hard(er) in school.
Confucius says education is the ticket to success. That’s been the teaching as long as you are still exposed to Chinese-rooted education teachings and /or upbringing.
So I guess if you put two and two together, you get My child is (going to be) more successful than yours mentality… at least in this culture, as long as its tradition is upheld generationally.
Whoa, I just created a big word there. Spell checker didn’t even complain. I am so successful man.
I really think sports should be used to teach “failures” though. At the professional level, the best hitter only hits 1/3 of the time, and the best 3-point shooter also misses half the time. It’s part of the game. I really think those facts should be acknowledged.
It starts before the kids can walk. I breast fed longer than you did. I wore my baby more. I co-slept longer. Etc. I think if we are confident in ourselves as parents (both mom and dads) we don’t need to get into these pissing contests with other parents. A book that explores this on the mom’s side is “Opting In” by Amy Richards.
A Mama’s Rants last blog post..The Bunko Babes: A book review
thanks for a reminder NOT to do this. I THINK I don’t, but who knows? This helps.
This is a great subject. I’ve found with three daughters will different abilities that I have to slow down and not get too carried away. I think most parents are living their lives through their kids. Can’t do that. I now go to games or competitions and find the positive.
Mikes last blog post..Quite a Shakeup in So Cal